1. You start off by choosing which bottle of fake tan to use out of the millions of choices... Gradual? Instant? Wash off? Dark? Medium? Light? Matte? Shimmer? Spray? Lotion? Biscuit? Cat wee?
2. Once you have *FINALLY* chosen you begin to apply it to your body. Not knowing if you've missed bits... Where are people when you need your back tanned!? Should I tan my ears? What. Then come the smells. Strong smells. Bad smells. Stale biscuits and cat piss.
3. When (you think) you've finished applying the lotion you get a strong sense of fear about going to sleep, not knowing what you're going to look like in the morning... Making yourself stay up till eventually you give in.
4. First thing you see when you wake up is stains. STAINS EVERYWHERE. Will it wash out the bed sheets? Why didn't I change the bed sheets before I did this.
5. Then looking in the mirror to realise you've forgotten to exfoliate beforehand... Random patches. Random patches everywhere. *stress levels rising*
6. Also the crappy tanning mit leaked through. Fingers looking like you've eaten too many cheesey Wotsits. Yummy. No soap will get them off. You will try just about every single soap in your house and end up pouring bleach onto your hands.
7. Prepare for Oompa loompa jokes. Lots of them. They don't get funnier the more they're said I reassure you.
8. After doing your make up you realise that you've got a tanned body with a ghostly white face... No one will notice. Right!? Right...
9. Then going out to a night club to find out it has UV lights, which make you look very dirty, or very racist. Searching frantically to find the best lighting in the building before people notice and stare.
10. When your tan begins to fade, it NEVER fades evenly. Even more patches to go along with your patches. This is great.
NEVER FAKE TANNING EVER, EVER AGAIN.
Emma xo
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